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Major Scoop!

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We here at UoM are willing to spare no effort to please the Bloggernacle. In order to get a partial agenda for April's General Conference, we roughed up a doorman, impersonated the corpse of Leonard Arrington, and distracted the Strengthening the Members Committee with a delicious slice of heresy.

Without further ado, your prophetic counsel for the New Year!

Jeffrey R. Holland: "Just Lose The Weight"

Thomas Monson: "Books Were Written. Knowledge Was Shared. Intellectuals Were Excommunicated."

Bonnie Parkin: "No Man Knows My Family History"

Dieter Uchtdorf: "Obedience: The First Law of the Reich of Heaven"

Henry B. Eyring: "Science and Religion Reconciled: A Literal Interpretation of the Book of Genesis"

Boyd K. Packer: "For Young Men Only: Nocturnal Emissions and Salvation"

James Faust: "Did I Ever Tell You About My Last Name?"

Richard Scott: "I Cut So That I Can Feel"

M. Russell Ballard: "Really, I Meant It. No More Travelogues."

Gordon B. Hinckley: "Even I've Given Up On This War"

41 Responses to “Major Scoop!”

  1. Anonymous john f. 

    poor taste.

  2. Anonymous NFlanders 

    Too funny, D-Train. Richard Scott's totally made me lose it.

  3. Anonymous FRQSTR=18772186|18772186|18772186|18772186|18772186 

    When does the funny part begin?

  4. Anonymous Watt Mahoun 

    Dear D-Train,

    Ahhh...I love me some heresy!

    Now, is the NE statement a relief valve permitted under the terms of salvation? Or is there some sort of treatment the church advises...say like: singing hymns in your sleep, or shock therapy? I'd really like to know, 'cause Wikipedia isn't helping much:

    "Although purported treatments to help prevent or diminish nocturnal emissions are available in abundance, none are known to have undergone any kind of rigorous experimentation or approval process such as that required by the Food and Drug Administration. Like the hiccups, there are a huge variety of "home remedies" with no scientific basis. Moreover, because no physical harm is caused by the act and it is not symptomatic of any underlying problem, it is generally considered unadvisable to undergo any sort of treatment except in cases of severe psychological trauma."

    Also, has GBH given us any guidance on how to deal with the spirit being for the war before being against it?



  5. Anonymous Mike 

    well, it seems either everyone thinks this was in poor taste, or thinks it was funny.

    Am I the only one that thinks it was in poor taste- but is also funny?

    Watt- The NE is a long running joke amongst the council of worms. The Church's official party line (as far as I've been able to put together) is that there is nothing wrong with NE and that they are the only ok form of premarital release.

    However- we've been placing bets on when there will be a general conference address condemning them and who will give that address. It all came from a comment in priesthood one sunday that praying is more important in the morning than before going to bed since you need more help in the morning... becasue you can't sin in your sleep. Noticing who stiffled a laugh helped us find other people in the ward with a sense of humor we could appreciate- (meaning the same one they had at 14)

  6. Anonymous Watt Mahoun 

    Well then, long live the knights who say "ne"!

  7. Anonymous Crystal 

    Does laughing this hard mean I am going to Not Heaven?

  8. Anonymous Brett 

    I'm proud to say that I snikered when I heard the "sinning in your sleep" statement in priesthood. That was the funniest thing anyone has ever said during a church lesson.

  9. Anonymous Mike 

    And it was how we knew that Brett was cool (well, we already knew, but it confirmed it)

  10. Anonymous D-Train 

    John and FRQSTR=18772186|18772186|18772186|18772186|18772186,

    I'm sorry that my humor was not appropriate to you. I don't think it was inappropriate, but sincerely hope that I did not offend you in any significant way.


    I do love Elder Scott's talks, but he seems to be the GA that would be most likely to be in an emo band if he were fifty years younger.


    I did actually see a rumor on a blog once that BKP was advocating a nocturnal emission crackdown. Mike explains it pretty well - the Church sees these as natural occurrences of no spiritual import whatsoever.


    If so, then I just got a date ;)


    That was seriously the priesthood highlight of my life. You just KNEW who you'd want to talk to in that room based solely on the reaction to that moment.


    In poor taste but funny. Story of my life.

  11. Anonymous Pris 

    Man, I wish I had paid more attention to past GCs so I could truly get the humor here. I do love Monson's title, though.

    Crystal: There will, apparently, be a big BIG party in not-Heaven. Heck, between D-Train and I, I think we could through a really good bash.

  12. Anonymous john f. 

    "And many such things did they say unto them, gnashing their teeth upon them, and spitting upon them, and saying: How shall we look when we are damned?" (Alma 14:21)

  13. Anonymous john f. 

    That was, of course, in response to glib talk about partying in "not-Heaven."

    I have nothing to say if people wish to rejoice in the prospect of being damned (because they think the whole concept of sin and accountability, i.e. Judgment Day, is absurd). But when it comes to mocking Church leaders who I personally believe are called and sustained of God in the callings as prophets, seers, and revelators, I find it difficult to sit idly by. I don't feel any regret for being a party-pooper if the subject of the party is mocking Church leaders.

  14. Anonymous annegb 

    I love this post. I also love the snarker's response. I think I am an evil person and again wonder how it is I ever passed the first estate.

  15. Anonymous john f. 

    annegb, I am sad to say that I am disappointed to read that you loved this post. I guess I don't know you as well as I thought I did based on your prolific commenting around the blogs.

  16. Anonymous D-Train 

    John, I will politely ask you to refrain from insulting our readers. I believe there to be room for a joke. You feel that this is inappropriate. That's fine. But don't assume that someone's sense of humor implicates their personal righteousness unless you've got an awfully good argument to support it.

    I'm also disappointed to see that you've chosen to respond so bitterly to a single joke and a few responses to it. I've offered you an apology and that's all that you're owed. Your unwillingness to acknowledge it and make a sincere effort to correct me through "persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned" tells me a great deal about your intentions here. There's a significant difference between mocking Church leaders and making a joke. If you can't see that, I don't know what to tell you. I do know that you're overreacting quite a lot and that you're aspiring to the loftiest heights of judging that I've seen in some time.

  17. Anonymous john f. 

    In what way was any comment of mine any greater of an insult to any reader than your "joke" was an insult to our Church leaders and the message that they hold dear?

  18. Anonymous john f. 

    Well, I am dense, so please explain to me in what way each of the lines in your post was not mocking Church leaders.

    I found the BKP and Uchtdorf lines particularly offense and in the line of mockery. You might not realize how tremendously Uchtdorf and his family suffered during the Nazi period. You also might not realize that there simply is no other word for "Kingdom" in German than "Reich." It is the standard word among all German Latter-day Saints for referring to the Kingdom of Heaven ("das Himmelreich" or "das Reich Gottes"). And, yes, many German Latter-day Saints, including Elder Uchtdorf, I would assume, believe that obedience to the laws and commandments of God, which includes the performance of the ordinances and the faith he expects of us, are the first principle of that kingdom. Holding that view does not make one a Nazi just because one happens to be both German and talking about obedience.

  19. Anonymous john f. 

    I was leaving it at "poor taste" until people started mocking people who thought it was in poor taste and began rejoicing in the prospect of partying together in "not Heaven," which, as I am sure you can readily understand, brought the mental association of Alma 14:21 into the picture. Quoting this, it seems, is an impermissible insult.

  20. Anonymous Watt Mahoun 

    Funny, I didn't make the Uchdorf-Nazi connection. Having served a mission in Germany, I thought it was funny just because I know how some german men can easily be characterized as overly disciplinarian.

    John F, you're clearly over-reacting.

  21. Anonymous Watt Mahoun 

    D-Train wrote: "...the Church sees these as natural occurrences of no spiritual import whatsoever."

    Because you can't sin when you're asleep...right? :)

    That explains the 3-hour block.

  22. Anonymous john f. 

    D-Train: did you have a Nazi connection in mind as the basis of your joke? Use of the word "Reich" strongly implies that this was your point.

  23. Anonymous D-Train 


    The BKP line was a joke about the excessive focus on masturbation in the Church and the specific way in which BKP is linked to it. I agree with him in principle, but not in emphasis. The Uchtdorf line was, as Watt notes, a joke about Germans being authoritarian. It's interesting that you assume I'm talking about Nazism when you yourself note that there isn't any other way to say "kingdom" in German.

    Nobody mocked anyone that thought it was in poor taste. There is no comment on this thread that can even be remotely construed in that way. And, I must say, if you haven't heard an "I'm going to hell" or similar joke, you're probably the only one. If you found it offensive, I'm sorry. Please be assured that it was meant to be a joke only and not to deride anyone.

    I stand by my assertion that your remark to Anne was totally inappropriate. Your willingness to take a negative view of her because her sense of humor differs from your own is not well-founded and shows absolutely no appreciation for all of the inspiring stories and comments that she has shared with us. I can take it if you don't think my jokes are appropriate. I just don't see how you came to the conclusion that we're all a band of yahoos that want to tear the Church down based on a joke that you didn't like. You mentioned my poor taste and I provided an apology. Why it could not be left at that is well beyond me. Further, why you would continue to visit a thread that you deem to be well below Church standards is similarly beyond me.

    If I've done anything to offend you or insult your standards, I offer a sincere apology.

  24. Anonymous john f. 

    I will take you at your word that you did not intend a Nazi connection, although it is a stretch for my powers of credulity.

  25. Anonymous john f. 

    I visit this thread and this blog because I am interested to see what kind of content I am associating with by my participation on the board of the MA. Why I actually comment here is another question entirely, and you might have a point that I should just shut up.

  26. Anonymous D-Train 


    I offer a third apology for any offense that you've taken. All that I would ask is that you apologize likewise for the comment that you directed toward Anne. Even if you disagree with what I've posted here, I feel that you'd need to suspend a lot of disbelief to assume hostility on my part, especially when you've seen me defend many faith-promoting positions here and when the majority of commenters here understand that this was merely a joke.

    I certainly did not intend for a joke to become some heated debate of the personal righteousness of bloggers and commenters. For that, I apologize again.

  27. Anonymous D-Train 


  28. Anonymous Geoff J 

    Come on D-Train. John has to apologize to Anne for saying he was disappointed that she loved this post? How is that an insult?

  29. Anonymous john f. 

    Well I am certainly sorry if what I said offended Anne, although I highly doubt that.

    You don't need to worry. Just because I find a joke offensive does not mean I am going to leave the Church.

  30. Anonymous D-Train 

    "I guess I don't know you as well as I thought I did based on your prolific commenting around the blogs."

    This comment alone indicates that his opinion of a person was changed by that person finding a joke funny. I think he's made his view of people that were amused quite clear and I am somewhat puzzled by his singling out a single commenter. If he doesn't want to apologize, he doesn't have to. Nobody's forcing him.

  31. Anonymous D-Train 


    Didn't see your last comment. Glad to hear that you're not going to leave us :)

    I hope that we can now agree to disagree and just move on, amused or appalled.

  32. Anonymous Stephen M (Ethesis) 

    I'd visit more often, but I'm an old man and this font/display combination is hard on the eyes.

  33. Anonymous D-Train 


    We'll think about that one. Thanks for the feedback.

  34. Anonymous annegb 

    Stephen! Great minds think alike. I was going to say the same thing. It's difficult for me to read this blog.

  35. Anonymous annegb 

    john, I'm not offended in the least. I still think it's funny. I also think it's irreverent. I just trust you guys to do the right thing and if it's on the blog, I assume it's okay to laugh.

    My sister told me a joke once about Jesus. It was completely irreverent, I've never repeated it, I never will. And I feel entirely guilty for the chuckle that burst out of me. I'm still shocked at her, she's an evangelical Christian.

    I recently wrote a letter to the editor of the university paper. A dear friend objected to it. I said, "rebut! that's what it's all about!" She said, "I don't know how." So I wrote it for her. She made me take out a few things because she thought I was too hard on myself.

    I think I could make a whole career out of letters to the editor and their rebuttals. I love the give and take of different opinions. And I love this topic because it lets me know I am human as I notice the human-ness of my leaders. It is mocking, is it uh, that word of the Lord's anointed? Because I worry about that when I get mad at my bishop or notice a flaw.
    Serious question, not rhetorical. Oh, yeah, are we speaking evil of the Lord's anointed? That is a good question and one I wish somebody would answer to my satisfaction, so I could put the slight unease I feel about laughing to rest.

  36. Anonymous Crystal 

    Umm, I can't believe that my joking about not Heaven caused this much strife.


  37. Anonymous annegb 

    Crystal, not following you.

  38. Anonymous Crystal 

    Well, the first problem seemed to be that what D-Train posted was percieved to be mocking General Authorities. And I guess it can be seen that way, but it's no more mocking than those spam mails that go around about how each one eats a peanut butter cup.

    I don't think D-Train's intention was to mock prophets. If there were malice, I wouldn't think it was funny.

    But the second objection was to all the joking about 'not Heaven,' as if we would actually rejoice in the thought of being damned. And it appeared to cause a lot more strife than was already going on, hence my comment above.

    But it really seems that it wasn't a cause for strife so much as it helped provide strife for those already looking for it, much like a twig just becomes kindling without meaning to.

    I think D-Train was just joking, playing on GAs' "sterotypical" talk type, and it was interperted to be mocking of the Lord's annointed, and from there all not Heaven broke loose.

  39. Anonymous Robert C. 

    annegb, I think evil speaking of the Lord's annointed implies malice of intent. This makes me think of the Seinfeld episode where the dentist converts to Judaism so he can tell Jewish jokes. The point is it's a lot easier to believe that D-Train intended no malice b/c of his (apparent) belief in the Church. Now, if he were joking about dentists or Jews, I might be more suspect....

    The prohibition I worry more about is light-mindedness, I've never felt I understand that very well. What exactly constitutes light-mindedness? From my limited interaction with GA's and apostles, most of them have a wonderful sense of humor (and would most likely laugh at this post or the Reeses PB span, although BKP might consider the masturbation comment a bit mean-spirited...), so I don't believe we're not supposed to laugh during life ("a bow too tightly sprung loses its spring" Joseph Smith used to say). I think it has more to do with taking our covenants seriously, but I'd love to hear others' thoughts.

  40. Anonymous rape stories 

    Best of the text i read about a problem.

  41. Anonymous rape stories 

    Need to be readed.

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