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Callin' Myself Up


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Well, you know, Valentine's Day. When you're alone, it lacks a certain gravitas. So, in honor of the day, I'm dedicating this song to all my single brothers and sisters out there. Courtesy of Mr. Tom Waits, "Better Off Without a Wife," including his introduction. Cheers.

"For all the bachelors out there tonight. Yeah, for anybody who’s ever whistled this song (plays the wedding march). Or maybe you’ve whistled it but you’ve lost the sheet music. Well, actually, I don’t mind going to weddings or anything. As long as it’s not my own, I show up.

But, eh... I’ve always kind of been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out. You know... (whoops from the audience). Oh yeah, you call yourself up too, huh? Yeah... Well, one thing about it, you’re always around! Yeah, I know.

Yeah, you ask yourself out, you know. Some class joint somewhere. The Burrito King or something. Well, I ain’t cheap, you know. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe, you know. Then you’ll be... some provocative conversation on the way home. And park in front of the house, you know, and you... Oh yeah, you´re smooth with it... you know, you put a little nice music on. Maybe you put on like... you know... like shopping music, something that’s not too interruptive. And then, ... slide over real nice, you know, say, ’Oh, I think you have something in your eye’.

Well, maybe it’s not that romantic with you, but Christ, you know!

Take myself up to the porch, and take myself inside. Oh, maybe... I make a little something, a brandy snifter or something. 'Would you like to listen to some of my back records? I got something here...'

Well, usually about 2.30 in the morning you’ve ended up taking advantage of yourself and... there ain’t no way around that, you know. Yeah, making the scene with a magazine, there ain’t no way around... I’ll confess, you know, I’m no different, you know. I’m not weird about it or anything, I don’t tie myself up first! I just... you know. I just kind of... spend a little time with myself."

So this is kind of a little anthem here:

All my friends are married
Every Tom and Dick and Harry
You must be strong if you’re to go it alone
Here’s to the bachelors and the Bowery bums
Those who feel that they’re the ones
That are better off without a wife

Cause I like to sleep until the crack of noon
Midnight howlin’ at the moon
Goin’ out when I want to,
And I’m comin’ home when I please
Don’t have to ask permission
If I wanna go out fishin’
Never have to ask for the keys

I’ve never been no Valentino
But I had a girl who lived in Reno
Left me for a trumpet player
Well, it didn’t get me down
He was wanted for assault
And though he said it weren’t his fault
You know the coppers rode him right out of town

I’ll be sleeping until the crack of noon
Midnight howlin’ at the moon
And i’ll be goin’ out when I want to
Comin’ home when I please
Don’t have to ask permission
If I wanna go out fishin’
Never have to ask for the keys

Yeah, you see I’m kinda selfish about my privacy
Now as long as I can be with me
We get along so well I can’t even believe it
I love to chew the fat with folks
I’ll be listening to all your dirty jokes
I’m so thankful for these friends I do receive

I’ll be sleeping until the crack of noon
Midnight howlin’ at the moon
And I’ll be goin’ out when I want to
Comin’ home when I please
Don’t have to ask permission
If I wanna go out fishin’
Never have to ask for the keys, no


Hey, I got this girl I know, man, and I just... She’s been married several times and... I don’t wanna end up like her. I mean, she’s been married so many times she’s got rice-marks all over her face. Yeah, you know the kind...


5 Responses to “Callin' Myself Up”

  1. Anonymous Watt Mahoun 

    Good lord, Pris. No wonder the church is always coming out with a new single adults "program" ... why don't you call yourself up and head over to the multi-regional mingle? Er, right...I'd stay home and take advantage of myself too. :)

    Well, at least you can save yourself $90 in roses.

    Happy Valentines Day!

  2. Anonymous HGC2PwTTHf 

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